As an expectant dad, can you have sex with your wife when she is pregnant? Short answer: Yes. But!!! There are things you need to know about her changing body and growing baby first, before jumping in the sack and expecting her to be just as gungho.
Then again, for all you know, she might be game! Some pregnant mothers are just raring to go; you can blame it on those hormones (lucky you!) but if she says no, there are real reasons too, or if you’re worried you’ll harm the pregnancy or injure the baby when having sex, then it’s best you read on.
1. No, You Are Not Hitting the Baby’s Head
As the National Health Service (NHS), UK says: It is perfectly safe to have sex during pregnancy unless your doctor has told you not to. (More of why this may be so later).
When having intercourse, your penis will not hit the baby’s head. As can be seen in the picture, he is located quite far away from the vaginal passage. The baby is above the cervix where he is safely cocooned inside the uterus, surrounded by amniotic fluid inside an amniotic sac.
The baby is therefore safely insulated. Your penis cannot go beyond the vagina and pierce through the cervix to hit the baby inside the uterus.
Some couples also feel a bit awkward and embarrassed about having sex during pregnancy as “baby is in the room” so to speak. But actually, baby is not “watching the sex act” and cannot tell what is going on, in the same way he cannot tell that your wife is currently scrolling through her phone reading this story or walking in a supermarket buying groceries. As a developing fetus, his immature brain will not understand what your wife is experiencing during sex. In fact, he will not even know what sex is.
2.“Not Tonight Dear, I have a headache, backache and nausea”
Please don’t feel offended, frustrated, rebuffed or neglected if she says no to your advances. You need to understand that your wife’s body is going through a massive transformation and some of these changes are making her feel really unwell. Yes, she is feeling pain and tenderness as well. For example, right from conception, progesterone will be surging through her bloodstream, making her feel “swollen”, bloated, worn out and sleepy all the time. Her body is making another human being and that requires a lot of energy. These hormones are nature’s way of slowing her down to rest up and conserve energy for her growing baby.
Some people will also say her “bones soften down” during pregnancy. There is some grain of truth there in the sense that some things in her body do soften down although its not the bones per se, but the bands of connective tissue that hold her body together such as her ligaments and joints. This is due to the release of the hormone relaxin. This hormone is produced by the ovary and the placenta in preparation for childbirth so that the pelvis is softened and the cervix is widened ready for birth. Relaxin is produced early on in the first trimester itself.
In fact, there is a whole cocktail of hormones produced during pregnancy on top of the ones mentioned. They include estrogen, Human placental lactogen (hPL) as well as Human chorionic gonadotropin hormone (hCG). HCG in particular is responsible for making her gag and retch and react to strong smells and sights all the time. This nausea is otherwise known as morning sickness, which, by the way, doesn’t occur only during the mornings but sometimes throughout all hours of the day and night, rendering her to feel sick in the stomach all the time. Most morning sickness will go off during the first trimester but for some women, it lasts 24/7 throughout the entire nine months of pregnancy.
And then there is the feeling of tenderness at the breasts. Sometimes, even before the urine test comes back positive, some women will be notified of their pregnancy by their tender, tingling and extra sensitive breasts. As the pregnancy progresses, her breasts will swell and grow in size, making her buy bigger sized bras as the weeks go by.
3. On the flipside, pregnancy might turn up the heat in bed
While sex may be the last thing on many pregnant women’s minds, sex could be the first thing your wife thinks about all the time during pregnancy if she is not bogged down by the nausea and tiredness. This could be due to the increased blood flow in her body which is needed to support the needs of the growing baby. Blood volume is known to increase up to a whopping 50% to provide for and sustain the enlarging uterus. Naturally, the heart will also be increasing its action of pumping more blood around. Your wife should be able to feel the thump-thump-thump of her heart by the fourth month (16 weeks) onwards. She will also feel hot ─ literally and will want to wear cooler clothing in our sweaty Malaysian weather. Unless she is in air conditioning all the time, some pregnant women are known to splash water on themselves, particularly on the neck and face, to intermittently cool down the rising heat.
This increase in circulation is also the reason why pregnant women usually have that famed “pregnancy glow”. They have rosy cheeks and appear flushed. The same blood flow, coursing through her entire body will engorge her genitals as well, making her extra sensitive and ready for sex. Some may even orgasm more easily. However, this is on a case by case basis and it really depends on how she feels.
Sex may also be more comfortable for her in the earlier months of the first and second trimesters as the stomach may not yet be in the way of any coital positions. Factor in the backache and the bearing down of the stomach in late pregnancy and you might understand why sex may not be enjoyable for her at all at this time.
Also factor in the fact that the largest sex organ in your wife’s body is her brain. When it is full of thoughts and anxiety over the baby, she may not be in the mood at all during pregnancy.
4. What if she is spotting or bleeding after intercourse, is it still OK to have sex?
This is a tricky question and the answer is: It depends.
If your wife is seeing blood after intercourse, it is better you cease sexual activity immediately and have her checked out with her Ob-Gyn. Both of you do not know the cause of the bleeding so you should ask the expert: was it due to you bumping on the cervix too hard or is it a sign of a bigger complication?
Only a doctor can tell you the answer.
To allay your fears a little, spotting ─ drops of blood seen on the underwear or toilet paper after sex ─ is actually, quite common and does not mean that a miscarriage is impending. According to the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology (ACOG),15 to 25% of women experience vaginal bleeding in the first trimester. As ACOG says, the cervix may bleed more easily during pregnancy because a lot of new blood vessels are developing in this area. Plus, these blood vessels are swelled up and enlarged and are easily traumatized, thanks to those pregnancy hormones such as progesterone. It is not uncommon to have spotting or light bleeding after sexual intercourse or after a Pap test or pelvic exam.
Not that you or she should brush off any signs of blood. If bleeding occurs during late pregnancy ─ with or without sex ─ it may be due to Placenta Previa, Placental Abruption, Preterm Labour and other complications, in which case, you must avoid sex altogether.
If, after your checkup with the Ob-Gyn and he says that everything is alright, and there is no pain or contractions following intercourse, then you can resume sex. To avoid hitting the sensitive cervix so much, you could try shallow penetration or try another position. Use your imagination. Sex doesn’t have to be vaginal all the time.
5. If you want sex with her, you must remain odour-free at all times
Do you know what is making your wife retch all the time? It’s that smell of cooking fat sputtering in the pot, the scent of your after-shave, the aroma of coffee or tea or chocolate wafting from your mug and most definitely, its that odour of sweat, rancid hair and musk of body odour. Men tend to give off body odour more than women. One whiff and it could get her running into the bathroom to puke.
Pregnancy brings on a torrent of hormones as mentioned and the one responsible for sharpening her sense of smell is estrogen.
If you want to be sexually alluring to your wife, the first thing you could do is to stay clean. Stay away from scented soaps, shampoos and colognes because those smells can set her off too; and yes ─ make sure you brush your teeth. There’s nothing more off-putting than having to kiss someone with bad breath, let alone expect her to do that while she is pregnant.
6. Be there in mind, body and heart for her
A woman’s emotions are usually on a wild roller-coaster ride during pregnancy. Your wife will experience highs and lows and could fly off the handle over the smallest things, be over the moon suddenly or start bawling uncontrollably over the slightest disappointment.
Her mood swings and fluctuating emotions could have her feeling overjoyed and excited about having a baby to worrying and being fearful and anxious about the baby’s wellbeing and the impending delivery. All the discomfort she is feeling just adds to her reactions to everything. She could also resent or be elated over the changing shape of her body. She could have stretch marks, varicose veins and swollen ankles among other discomforts and awkwardness. Looking at her changing body shape, she may have doubts and insecurities about losing her beauty and attractiveness.
What you need to do is to be ever empathetic, reassuring, supportive and mindful of everything she is going through. Help her boost her confidence by reassuring her that she is still sexy and desirable to you.
However, don’t just talk, show her.
Help her with the housework. You know she is heavy with child. She has a backache. She hasn’t slept well for days. She would really appreciate you doing the laundry or the dishes. You also could run some errands for her and help her with things like heavy lifting.
Touch her more often. Hold her hand, or give her a massage or a back rub. Try to have physical contact as much as you can, and not only at bedtime. Touching is an act of physical intimacy. It doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual to tell her that she and you are connected.
These simple acts of tenderness and affection will, in turn, increase intimacy between the both of you. Who knows ─ you may even get her in the mood for sex. The way to a woman’s heart is through her mind and emotions.
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