You don’t understand why it’s happening. He has had a nap, had his biscuits and Milo too and was quietly playing with his stack up blocks when all of a sudden ─ all hell broke loose. He kicked, he bawled, he wiped all of his building blocks clean off the table and pushed his sippy cup over the edge spilling its contents all over the floor.
So now you have an angry child and a whole lot of cleaning up to do.
And you thought the Terrible Twos were over because he’s hit three two months ago.
Apparently, kids will keep on throwing tantrums until the ripe old age of six. At the earlier ages ─ the reasons would be the same: they are exhausted, hungry, scared, frustrated or need attention. But at the preschool age of five and six, it’s more likely because your child wants to test your authority or manipulate you.
Toddler tantrums are one of the most challenging aspects of parenting. There’s not a single parent who has never seen a meltdown. It come with the job. And if you’d like to know why they happen (so that you’re better informed to deal with it), here are seven reasons.
7 Reasons Why Your Toddler is Throwing Tantrums
1. Runaway Emotion
Prior to one year old, a kid has a tantrum because he is crying out for attention ─ in which case, you should give him the attention he needs through close contact, cuddling or spending one-on-one time with him.
When he gets closer to two, tantrums are emotional outbursts that occur when a child becomes frustrated. At this point, he does not have social and communication skills. But he also wants more independence from you while still needing closeness at the same time. He tries to accomplish tasks or do things on his own but when he cannot seem to get on top of it, he gets angry and acts out.
His tantrums are therefore like an emotional volcanic eruption. He is unable to process his feeling so he lets it all out.
When you see a meltdown coming, know that he is just trying to get a hang of coming into his own. But the ruckus that ensues is disconcerting meanwhile. Before the tears start, try to use the distraction technique to break the thought sequence. (“Look, a cicak on the wall!”) or give him some sense of control (“Do you want milk or Milo?).
2. He is Overstimulated
Overstimulation happens when a child is swamped by more experiences, sensations, noise and activity than she can cope with.
For example, a baby might get very unsettled at an Open House where he is being passed around from guest to guest who each wants a round of cooing and carrying him.
A preschooler might have a tantrum after a big event like a birthday party where jostling kids were rushing for the cake and games and where he had to pose for Instagram with fussing grownups.
Overstimulated children get over-tired and overwhelmed. Sometimes it is not the birthday boy who will have a meltdown but the little guests who feel overcome by it all.
Kids can short-circuit when faced with such stimuli. You can take steps to minimize the child’s discomfort by not subjecting him to too big a bash too often and avoiding over-crowded places.
3. Afflicted by Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD)
Kids with Sensory Processing Disorders (SPD) may get even more overwhelmed by loud noises(packed shopping complex, large family gatherings), crowds (raucous playgrounds) and general chaos.
Sensory processing issues are often first seen in toddlers. Parents may notice that a child has an unusual aversion to noise, light, shoes that are deemed too tight and clothes that are irritating. They may notice clumsiness and trouble climbing stairs, and difficulty with fine motor skills like holding a pencil and fastening buttons.
(However, fine motor skill development and language skills are slower in boys than girls, don’t panic before checking with your doctor)
These and other extreme behaviours like:
- screaming because they don’t like the sensation of a toothbrush or the wetness of a bath
- throwing tantrums when you try to get them dressed
- crashing into walls and even people
show the child has difficulty integrating information from the senses, resulting in confusing behaviour. Sensory processing problems are now considered a symptom of autism but again, don’t jump to conclusion without a proper diagnosis. Most children with sensory issues are not on the spectrum.
4. Blame the Brain
The prefrontal cortex, which controls emotional self-regulation and social behaviour, only begins to mature between the ages three and six. Knowing this may help you more objectively observe the tantrum and not take it quite so personally.
5. Don’t Be a Mother Hen
The key to ending a tantrum, scientists say in a study called “What’s Behind A Temper Tantrum? Scientists Deconstruct the Screams”, is getting him past the peak of his anger. Apparently there is a pattern and rhythm to all those screams. The key is in understanding what the cadence in the screams.
And how can parents get over the curve? By ignoring the tantrum, they say. No questions, no words of comfort, no reprimands. And don’t be a “Mother Hen” and cluck around too much about how you would like to help. Any attention (negative or positive) will only fuel the fire.
It is difficult for kids throwing a tantrum to process information. To have to respond to a question that the parent is asking them needs him to load more information into his system than he can really cope with.
Asking too many questions also puts you in danger of rewarding that tantrum by giving in. This will only prove to your toddler that tantrums work very well in getting what he wants.
If you want to put an end to tantrums, ignore him. Once he’s over the blind rage phase and into the sadness phase, he will likely reach out for, and accept, comfort.
6. He is Sick
Sometimes ear infections are present without a fever. Teething problems especially erupting molars can be painful, interrupting sleep, messing with eating and bringing out that most notorious of beasts: the “hangry” toddler.
If higher-than-usual irritability levels last for more than a day or two, bring him to the pediatrician.
Most toddlers don’t throw daily tantrums; in fact 90% of children only throw monthly tantrums which is a normal part of child development.
If you’re dealing with this drama daily, and the tantrums seem to come out of the blue, it could be your cue to look deeper.
7. He has Trouble Talking
When a small child’s language has not yet caught up with his exploding intelligence and he needs to express himself, frustration is inevitable. Understand he has limited vocabulary and ability to string words into a sentence at this time.
At an older age when he has a better grasp of language and uses it to be argumentative, such tantrums have a purpose in that they are to manipulate you.
Quick Checklist on Why Tantrums Happen
- Temperament – this influences how quickly and strongly children react to things like frustrating events. Children who get upset easily might be more likely to have tantrums.
- Stress, hunger, tiredness and overstimulation – these can make it harder for children to express and manage feelings and behaviour.
- Don’t know how to cope ─ these are situations that children just cannot cope with. For example, a toddler might have trouble coping if an older child takes his toy away.
- Strong emotions – worry, fear, shame and anger can be overwhelming for children. Yes, young children do know shame)
For more parenting tips and tricks, visit Motherhood.com.my