So we’re all getting ready to usher in the turn of the lunar new year. Reunion dinner is around the corner and there will be 15 days of non-stop celebrating following the initial bash on Day 1.
Have we got everything ready? The brand new clothes, the house spic and span and decked out in red, the banquet cooked and ready to dish out to families and visitors at all our open houses?
Wait.
Have we got ourselves and our children in check? Are we sufficiently prepped to put out our best behavior when welcoming guests or when visiting other people’s homes?
Manners, mindfulness and consideration for others are universal practices of good etiquette in our society. Upholding proper decorum particularly during celebration time becomes even more important as we need to ensure we don’t tread on the toes of others when we are out painting the town red. Sure, Chinese New Year comes but once a year but that is no excuse to impose on others or to intrude on other people’s privacy or sensitivities while we are doing that.
We need to be aware that what we say and what we do can inadvertently hurt others. Your children are a reflection of the upbringing you have given them. As parents, we know that good and bad behaviour will reflect back on us and we always want people to speak well of our children, don’t we? After all, it’s a joyous occasion; it should not be marred by unpleasantness.
So here is a list of Do’s and Don’ts we should take into consideration before stepping out for the Chinese New Year.
Dos
1. Do bring gifts for others when visiting
When visiting relatives or friends’ homes, always come bearing gifts. Never come empty-handed, even if it is only your parents’ house that you are visiting. Gifts should comprise of mandarin oranges, dried packaged mushrooms, or Chinese New Year cookies, cakes and sweets. Over the years I have watched my mother do this, we never visit anyone without first preparing appropriate gifts to show hospitality to one another.
2. Do receive gifts with both hands
If you are the host, always receive all your gifts graciously and with both hands. Teach your children to do this too. Tell them to say, “Thank you aunty, thank you uncle.” Smile. And always answer politely and respectfully with eye contact maintained when asked questions.
3. Do greet your elders appropriately, denoting respect by using their position and title
As you enter people’s house, greet everyone appropriately. Do teach your children not to just mumble, “hi” or “hello” and then continue playing with their phone. Showing disinterest in all that is going on is just plain rude.
If unsure of greetings, the general one to be used for friends and peers should be the Cantonese “Gong Hei Fatt Choy” or the Mandarin “Gong Xi Fa Cai” (wishing you wealth and prosperity) while giving those you are greeting the traditional Chinese fist and palm salute.
However, when it comes to wishing and greeting your kith and kin, you greet that person by naming their hierarchy and position in the family tree.
For example, if you are greeting your eldest aunt from your father’s side, say (in Cantonese) “Dai Goo (or Goo Ma), Sun Nin Fai Lok”. It means “Eldest Aunty from my father’s side, Happy New Year.” (Your eldest aunt from your mother’s side would have a different designation. Be aware of that).
4. Do ensure you have your angpows ready by the eve of Chinese New Year
Prepack them to give out to all children, particularly to all your relatives’ children, when seeing them during the reunion dinner or when visiting.
5. Do call your elders to eat before you eat yourself
At the reunion dinner or whenever you are seated down to eat together, don’t just dive into the food and wallop away. This is especially so for children sitting among adults. As a sign of respect and courtesy, call out to the elders before eating. Say “Grandma, Grandpa, or Aunty, Uncle, Mummy, Daddy ─ “Sik Faan” (Eat Rice). Remember: A “sweet mouth” goes a long way in buying the hearts of others.
6. Do put away things that you would not like your guests to touch
On the other hand, if you are the host, do not display items that would invite your guest’s children to play with. Young children sometimes do not know much about proper etiquette and would be attracted to touch and play with everything.
7. Do make sure you keep your pets away
Make sure your pets are not let out to mingle with guests and their children. Your guests may be unused to seeing animals and may make comments or do inappropriate things that might hurt you. Your pets, on the other hand, may also react to the new scenario in the house by behaving inappropriately. It is therefore wiser to keep both parties separated. Have your pets cordoned off in a safe room or area away from the activity in the house. If you live in a landed home and have dogs, keep them fenced up at the back. This will also prevent them from running out of gates left open by and for guests.
8. Do respect your host’s home, especially regarding your used plates and cutlery or when disposing your litter
Your host will most probably serve you and clear your used plates and cutlery after you. If your host is super busy entertaining others, please put your used plates in the kitchen or in their designated place for washing. If you are at your relative’s place for your reunion dinner, please help with the washing and cleaning up afterwards.
Please also make sure you or your children refrain from discarding your sweet and snack wrappers on the floor. I have seen an adult guest throw a sea of discarded groundnut shells on to his host’s driveway after eating the nuts. “What’s wrong with that?” he argued. “The shells are biodegradable.”
9. Do have your children ask permission before touching other people’s things or other children’s toys
Even if it is your grandfather’s house, it is not your house where everything belongs to you or your child. Make sure your child doesn’t touch other people’s belongings or another child’s toys without first asking permission. The other child may not like his toys being played with by your child. When playing with another child’s toy, make sure your child does not break it.
10. Do be kind to all your guest’s children
Encourage your child to include your guest’s children while playing, even if they are not your blood relatives or people you know very well. Children want to play together. Treat others as well as you would like to be treated yourself. Besides, sharing toys, taking turns to play a game teaches social skills and the appropriate way to interact with one another, and Chinese New Year interaction is the ideal time to put these skills into practice.
11. Do say please and thank you at all times
Remind your children to always say Please and Thank You for everything. It’s common courtesy anyway and should be practiced at all times. Show by example.
12. Do wash your feet when you enter a house
In Malaysia, we always take off our shoes when entering a house. If you tend to have sweaty feet, make sure you wash them before entering the house of your host. No stinky feet are allowed especially during Open House season. Chinese New Year is a time when omens and symbolism reign supreme. Stinky feet just don’t make for a nice omen and may put off all the other guests visiting the house too. Have a thought for others!
Don’ts
1. Don’t block up the whole street with your guest’s cars when holding your open house or party
You may be holding the biggest Chinese New Year bash ever this year but please be considerate of others. Your neighbours have the right to access their own homes too. And they have the right to use that road. Please do not erect tents that will obstruct access and please ensure that your guests do not indiscriminately park their cars at people’s gates. Your neighbours will complain and get angry with you for causing inconvenience to others and that will not bode well for luck and good tidings for your new year.
2. Don’t simply feed other people’s children with your snacks without first asking the parents
Caught in passing from one disgruntled parent: “Please don’t feed my child Chinese New Year snacks. Don’t say ‘once in a while it’s okay’ because little bits here and there could make up a jar of snacks in his stomach. When he doesn’t drink enough water to wash it all down, he will fall sick quickly and it will cause inconvenience to the family. Please people, I am the one who will have to clean up the mess.”
While it is true that you would want to see all your guests, including children, enjoy the food that you have so laboriously prepared, some people, especially children, may be allergic to certain ingredients such as nuts, eggs, wheat flour and so on. Eating these foods could cause that child to break out in hives or fall sick in some other way.
So do ask the parents first if it is OK to offer the food to the child. If they say no, respect that decision and don’t feel offended.
3. Don’t dig info about family matters from kids
Gossip is salacious and private information is even more salacious when gathered around relatives. However, kids only know a small amount about what’s going on in the family. You would stress the child up if you interrogate him for details about his parents. Besides, it’s none of your business!
4. Don’t go looking in rooms without permission. That goes for your children too
If you aren’t invited into people’s private areas, don’t go there! As a rule, you should not be going upstairs or into people’s bedrooms and other private areas. And that goes for your children too.
5. Don’t put your feet up on any furniture, don’t allow your children to jump on tables, chairs or the sofa no matter how small or young they may be
This kind of behavior is just plain uncouth. Yes, toddlers love to climb. Jumping on coffee tables to jump to the couch may seem to be the most exciting thing for them to do given the opportunity. However, you are at someone else’s home where you should, at the very least, show civilized behavior. If you allow your children to use your host’s home like their personal indoor obstacle course, it will just go to show you did not teach them manners and basic household rules. Furthermore, your child could hurt himself.
6. Don’t carry or kiss other people’s babies without asking for their permission
The parents of the baby may not voice out their displeasure because they don’t want to be impolite but deep down inside, they are stressed up about you mishandling or passing germs to their vulnerable infant.
Caught in passing from one upset father: “Everybody was passing my baby from one person to another and they were all putting their mouths so close to her and smearing her with saliva. I know they wanted to express their affection but my baby was breathing in all their breaths. It was disgusting.”
Do also discourage your own children, no matter how old, from asking to hold the child. They might drop the baby.
7. Don’t be improper when asking about your relative’s family planning
Don’t ask people when they are going to have number two, or three or four! Reunion dinner conversations are infamous for these kinds of imprudent talk. You never know if the person you’re asking may have just had a miscarriage.
8. Don’t be indiscriminate and inconsiderate when playing with firecrackers and fireworks
Chinese New Year is synonymous with blasting fireworks and firecrackers. While it is true that it is part of the culture and tradition to make as much noise as one can for the festivities, times and attitudes have changed. Prolonged and continuous playing of fireworks in our compact housing estates is nowadays, very much frowned upon.
In our urbanized communities, homes are situated close to one another. Even bungalows are zero lot these days. Wherever you light your fireworks, the noise is bound to disturb your neighbours. It will frighten their sleeping babies and children. It might even frighten you! And definitely, it will frighten people’s pets. Nowadays, people’s pets are loved like their own children. Pets are very much a part of the family unit. That is why they are called furkids. Every year, countless pets run out into the streets in a panic to get away from the blasting. The consequence is that they become lost and cannot find their way home after that. Some get run over by traffic or starve to death on the streets. A missing pet always brings about undue distress and heartbreak to both the pet owners and the pets themselves. So, please, when playing with fireworks this Chinese New Year, let’s have a heart for others.
Another thing ─ please ensure that you or your children do not damage other people’s property or injure someone, or even your own selves, when playing with firecrackers. Do not shoot fireworks at passing cars or into people’s compounds. We hear news of this all the time. Please supervise your children.
9. Don’t play with or feed the owners’ pets without asking their permission
Please teach your children that some things are out of bounds and one of them is people’s pets. Do not feed other people’s pets. It is for the same reason why a mother would not want anyone to simply feed their child. Tell your children not to ransack your host’s hamster cages and take the animals out to play or rough handle small dogs and cats. Small animals are delicate. Rough handling will traumatize them, not to mention dislocate their joints or even cause their demise. Even big dogs are not exempt from harm. I have seen children pulling the dogs’ tails or ride on them as if they were horses. It could break the dogs’ spines! On the flip side, the animals could bite or scratch your children back when they feel pain and then there will be injury on both sides.
Let us all practice mindfulness and respect for each other and we’ll all have a great new year to look forward to this Chinese New Year. Xin Nian Kuai Le! (Happy New Year!) as the greeting goes. Let us all make an effort to make it so.